If you are new to One Degree and unfamiliar with my mother’s story, I encourage you to read “My Mother is a Miracle” before continuing on.
My mom and me circa 1978
I wanted to write a “this is what I’ve learned and felt over the past year since my mother passed away” type of post. However, the outline for this post is not falling into place. The 3 bullet points that experts tell me to include in my writing are simply not happening. I cannot remember a powerful anecdote or an appropriate verse as I reflect over the past year either.
I am going to write what is fresh on my heart
and
I will not edit it.
What follows may not make sense.
But THIS, this is the essence of grief. Grief cannot be outlined or organized onto a Microsoft Word document. Grief cannot be summarized into 3 bullet points. Grief should not be edited, smoothed over, or stuffed deep inside. It is to be experienced but not worshipped.
Grief is individual. Grief is messy. It is real and it is hard.
We all experience grief and loss. And all of it hurts.
Our last Christmas together
Last week was another “first” for me. My mother always called early in the morning to sing to me on my birthday. This year my phone remained silent. Her signature and her legendary smiley face were missing from my birthday card. My heart felt like it would explode.
But it didn’t.
And it won’t.
While my mother is gone, I have gained something else this year. I have discovered another side to grief. It is a side that sees beauty behind the cheesy words found in sympathy cards. A side that finds strength and comfort in a book of stamps and a bright, yellow pair of flip flops. A side that sees the necessity of being silent and letting my tears fall into countless, crumpled tissues as my Heavenly Father watches.
A side that compels me to let go of expectations, hug longer, and laugh harder because life is really,
really,
short.
A side that compels me to hug strangers on an airplane.
Jesus is the other side of grief.
Jesus is the way, the Truth, and the life. (John 14:6)
Jesus is the resurrection and the life.
Those who believe in Him will continue to live though their earthly body dies. (John 11:25-26)
The words that Jesus spoke in the verses above mean something different to me now.
He is who He says He is. He is close to the brokenhearted. There is beauty, healing, strength, and comfort in the shadow of His wings…
My parents dancing at my wedding. Doctors weren’t sure she would make it to the wedding. And here she is dancing…
I wonder what I would be like today had God healed my mother of breast cancer back in 2001. I bet I wouldn’t be writing the following statements or hugging a weeping woman on an airplane.
I love God more now than when I bent over my dying mother and whispered “it’s okay to go now” one year ago. I have no clue how this is possible. I only know that my tears fall with hope because Jesus is THE resurrection and THE life.
Tomorrow is a new day. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a writer, an aunt, a neighbor, a speaker, a daughter, a sister, a not so good cook, and a sinner saved by the grace of God. I will continue to miss my mother. I will continue to love my Savior.
All of us grieve over the loss of something or someone. Grief is painful and messy. It cannot be summarized into 3 bullet points- so stop trying to do so. Seek the other side of grief where Jesus is instead.
This side of grief is a beautiful blessing from an indescribable God.
“Please help celebrate my life, and don’t be sad too long…” My mom’s final letter to us.
That was written so well and brought tears to my eyes. Love you Tracy.
Thanks for reading and for being a special part of my mother’s life, Vina. Love you too!
??{{Hugs}}?? – Love wrapped hugs from me to you. Prayers of peace for your heart today, dear Tracy.
Rejoice in our Lord today and everyday until we are all reunited with Him.
My heart mourns with you, Tracy. Grief is a process, a journey, a unique opportunity to hang onto and know Jesus better and more intimately. I love this, “my tears fall with hope because Jesus is THE resurrection and THE life.”
Hanging onto that resurrection hope with you in life’s short and long good-byes.
Until we all meet again,
Dawn
Tracy, you are beautiful. The truth of our Savior radiates from you, friend. Being honest about grief is so important and uncovering the ways that He holds us together, equally so. So much love to you.
Dear Tracy ~ thank you for holding your heart open so we could peer in deeply and touch the sensitive places of grief in our own lives. You are your mother’s daughter. What a beautiful tribute to our Lord.
Thank you Nancy your comments bless me greatly. My heart is definitely open and sort of a sobbing mess mixed with joy. Cancer took a lot from our family, but it didn’t win in the end. Death and cancer have lost their sting for Jesus has overcome them both-praise Him! (John 16:33)
Thank you Jo for your hugs and your prayers- they are helping my heart and I am making it through today just fine. Rejoicing that this life is not all there is… the best in Heaven is yet to come 🙂
I love how you describe grief as a “unique opportunity to hang onto and know Jesus better and more intimately.” Yes my friend, YES. Thank you for walking with me Dawn…
Thank you Jen-your comments and friendship encourages me today.
Beautiful post, Tracy. I love this “I wonder what I would be like today had God healed my mother of breast cancer back in 2001. I bet I wouldn’t be writing the following statements or hugging a weeping woman on an airplane.” God redeems the pain and the hurt and I am so thankful HE does! Love you.
Thank you Eileen- God does redeem every tear. Love you too my friend.
Tracy, again I say you’re a beautiful woman of God to be be-friended and admired. I loved being able to see part of your card from your Dad… keep walking with your Savior day by day and inspiring your husband, children, and other women along the way. ~ Love, Amy
Thank you for your love and support, Amy. I will keep walking with Jesus and I look forward to knowing Him more and more and more. I feel like He and I are just getting started 🙂
Beautiful words from a beautiful heart. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for joining me here Teske. Your comment blesses me today.
I love you.
Love you too- thank you for walking this with me…
You are a special woman, raised by a special woman, warming the hearts of many special women. You were, and are, a blessing to your mama! How God loves you. Us. Love to you, my sister in Christ, Adele
How He loves us indeed Adele. I thank you for your continued support and love.